In this issue:
- Grandparenting I: The Pleasures
- Effectiveness of Parent Training
Grandparenting I: The Pleasures
Are you a grandparent? Wonderful!
Then you are ready to answer the following question: Why are you important to your grandchild? Think a moment and then read on to discover more reasons to feel good.
First of all, you have the ability to give your grandchild unconditional love. There is a special connection between the generations based on this love.
Parents surely love their children. But they also have other roles to play, e.g. teacher, disciplinarian, and chauffeur, just to name a few.
You do not have these numerous pressures. Unless you are babysitting, you don't have to tell the children when to go to sleep, pick up their clothes or brush their teeth. Your relationship has the potential to be one of pure pleasure, not one contaminated by anxiety or frustration.
Second, you are the link to the past. You pass on history, traditions, and values. Everything that you do stays with the child and becomes a remembrance that can be passed on further. As Kathy Peel states in her book (Family for Life, NY: McGraw-Hill, 2003, p.220), “What we leave in our children is far more important than what we leave to them” (my emphasis).
Third, you have the capability of being a true friend and confidant; someone who will listen without feeling the need to lecture, someone to share the child's joys and frustrations. Your presence is all that is needed to ease the load of growing up.
The more you listen, the more you give.
But what if you hear something that concerns you, or that you don't approve of? Are you free to express your opinion? Yes, because just like you would want your friend to be honest, so does your grandchild expect you to be straightforward and truthful. However, as a loving friend, when you do share your opinion, you can do so in the context of that love. Thus you might question the behavior, but not the self-worth of the child.
Fourth, if you're fortunate enough to be retired from work, then you also have the special privilege of having the time to listen, which many parents don't.
When you give your grandchildren time, you've given them the greatest treasure in the world. It is irreplaceable. You've given them pieces of yourself that they can carry with them for the rest of their lives.
To be a grandparent, you don't have to be wealthy. You don't need to give presents. You just need to give attention and love.
Lastly, you are the glue that holds the family together. By means of your relationship with each member of the extended family, you inform all of them that they are part of a supportive and loving family network.
Now do you know why you are so important?
Next Issue
Grandparenting II: The Perils
Effectiveness of Parent Training
Traditional therapy targets the patient, whether the patient is an adult or child. New research confirms my long-held belief that children and adolescents can be helped most effectively if their parents are part of the therapy team (Harvard Mental Health Letter, Vol. 22:10, April 2006).
By means of parent training, parents “learn to avoid accumulation of grievances followed by angry explosions, and substitute systematic for arbitrary discipline.” They learn “how to avoid vague and unclear commands; how to set rules and define the consequences of disobeying them; how to discuss and negotiate with older children and adolescents; how to follow through on warnings.”
Most significantly, “if the treatment succeeds, parents criticize less and need to punish less, children obey more often and behave better, and everyone feels less stress and anxiety.”
I have worked with parents for many years as “co-therapists” and now coach parents on the telephone. My reasoning is simple: Parents know their children best and I trust their perceptions. Even when marital or personal issues interfere with parenting, parents instinctively know that their problems need to be resolved so that they can parent their children properly. Practically speaking, parental cooperation is essential to the treatment's success; after all, they have the means to continue or to terminate treatment. They engage with their children on a daily basis and can, therefore, undermine or advance the treatment goals. Finally, successful collaboration with the parents is an investment not only in the long-time relationship between parents and children but also in the future mental health and happiness of the child.
As the abovementioned article concludes, “Despite the limitations of parent training, nothing else has shown as much promise for helping children with behavior problems and their families.”
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