In this issue:
- Grandparenting II: The Fears
- How Camping Helped Dissipate My
Fear
Grandparenting II: The Fears
What makes
grandparenting hard? Given all of the pleasures that this stage in life
brings (see April 2006 MFC Newsletter), what would be difficult about
grandparenting? I’ve heard several answers to this question and they all
relate to FEAR.
One woman told me
that grandparenting is hard because “I don’t want to impose.” The fear
that her presence might be a nuisance to her family prevents her from
acting upon her natural desire to visit or call, lest she intrude. She
ends up suffering in silence while she waits to be invited. Furthermore,
even when invited, she is reluctant to accept because she’s unsure whether
the invitation is sincere.
Another fear is, “I
don’t want to show that I’m not capable.” Having taken pride in being
self-sufficient all of their lives, it is indeed difficult to face the
limitations of old age. Grandparents may want to maintain their self-image
by continuing to do everything for themselves, no matter how hard it may
be.
Finally, “I don’t
want to be a burden.” That is the big “B” word that is the ultimate fear
for many grandparents. Most grandparents (the majority of whom are women)
have spent their whole lives taking care of the younger generation; they
dread the possibility of becoming ‘takers’ rather than
‘givers.’
My response to
these fears is, “You have a job to do. You are needed. Don’t let your
fears get in the way!”
Let’s imagine that
you have a job in a corporation at the executive level, and you need to
prepare for an important meeting. Are you going to spend the next four
hours typing up your notes? No! You’ll have someone else do it! You’ll ask
for help. Because that person can do in one hour what would take you four
hours to accomplish.
“But,” you say, “I
am paying that person a salary to help.”
Well, that’s where
we get to the crux of the matter. You have already paid the salary of
those who will help you, through years of monetary, physical and emotional
support. It is time now to call in the debt. Your children are indebted to
you. The next generation is indebted to the previous
generation.
When your children
acknowledge their obligation to you -- by physically doing for you what
you can no longer do for yourself -- they in turn feel better about
themselves. Most importantly, they serve as role models for their own
children, who see their parents helping their grandparents and remember
that lesson for future years.
Grandparents, keep
doing what you know how to do best. Your value to your family and
community exceeds all physical limitations. You are the “CEO” of your
corporation. All of its members need your experience, insight, wisdom and
love.
How
Camping Helped Dissipate My Fear
How do we overcome
our fears? My experience with camping outdoors may be instructive to
others.
Growing up as a
city girl, I was squeamish when it came to bugs and fearful of animals. I
do remember collecting frogs and salamanders on my infrequent visits to
the country, and we did go through various pet stages -- but wild animals
and the great outdoors always frightened me.
Ironically, I've
been hiking and camping with my family now for almost three decades. What
on earth got into me? And, once I started, what kept me going? Why did I
return annually to this source of terror?
One answer is that
I relish the opportunity to experience nature -- its quiet, its beauty and
its serenity. It is also healing to walk and listen to the wind and the
birds. It has been a privilege to bear witness to the awesomeness of G-d's
creations and to show them to my children.
Furthermore, these
moments of joy have compensated and rewarded me for enduring the knot in
my stomach every time we prepare for a new outdoor adventure. I learned
that there was indeed a "light" of achievement at the end of the "tunnel"
of fear. Having felt that sense of achievement, I actually look forward to
climbing another mountain - both literally and figuratively - and reaching
the top.
Thus I have learned
to confront my fears and to go forward despite them. Indeed, now that I
live outside of NYC, I use this same resolve to help me gather the courage
to drive into the city! My camping experiences have indeed taught me how
to live.
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