In this issue:
- When Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids?
The Question
Our primary job as parents is to keep our children safe. Are we permitted to “snoop” on them in order to protect them from harm? Should we read their diaries, listen to their phone conversations, check their email log, and supervise their internet activity?
The Court Case
Before you answer the question, be aware of your legal rights. The State Supreme Court of Washington, as described in the Seattle Times, unanimously reversed a 2000 robbery conviction in a case that was based in part on the testimony of a mother and what she heard in a telephone conversation between her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend.
The mother, Carmen Dixon, reportedly heard the boyfriend discuss the robbery and even took notes of the conversation as she listened to it. By reversing the conviction, the Supreme Court is saying that it’s a crime to eavesdrop on anybody’s private conversation, including that of children. Although the attorneys cited provisions in the federal wiretap law that allow parents to listen to their children’s conversations, in Washington State there is “no such parental exception and no Washington court has ever implied such an exception,” according to the court opinion.
Will we get into trouble for performing our parental duty? Are there limits to our parental prerogative?
The Debate
My son doesn’t talk to me. If I ask him about school he says “It’s fine,” even though I don’t see him doing any work and his teachers report that he’s not handing in his assignments. He spends almost all of his time in his room, on the computer or on the phone. He doesn’t respond if I ask him about his friends or where they’re going. I’m happy that he still comes home at night.
Parents are in agony when left in the dark about a child’s activities. Who knows what he is doing! Is he involved with the “wrong” type of peer group? Is he hurting himself by engaging in behavior that is dangerous, either physically or emotionally, or illegal? What is a parent to do?
On the one hand, maybe we should just control our anxious thoughts and feelings. After all, we parents recognize our teenagers’ desire for privacy. They need time to be alone, space for their possessions, and the knowledge that we won’t pry into their lives. We want to have a relationship of trust and respect with them. We also want them to become increasingly independent so that they may be prepared for adulthood. If we control their lives too much we might impair their decision-making ability and hinder them from attaining the self-confidence to make the important decisions that lie ahead.
On the other hand, are we being naïve and foolish if we don’t snoop on our children?
To determine what to do, let’s examine what we mean by snooping. To snoop, according to the dictionary, is “to pry into other people’s business or affairs, especially in a furtive way” (Encarta). Thus you are snooping when you monitor your children’s activities without their knowledge or expectations. That secretive activity implies that you don’t trust your child.
When There is Trouble
Are you indeed worried about your child? Do you have cause for concern or just intuit that something is not right? Then, most experts agree, go right ahead and snoop. Search your child’s room for any clue that indicates that the child is leading a secret life. You are doing so out of fear for their safety, not because you are a nosy, controlling parent.
If upon investigation you do find something inappropriate, confront your child directly about it. But plan your conversation carefully. Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry not your anger. Have an agenda in mind of what you want to say. State (1) why you were concerned; (2) what you found; and (3) what you will do about it.
Above all, show that you care and that you want to protect your child. Emphasize that a child’s freedom from intrusion is a privilege, not a right. As long as everything seems okay – which you will ascertain by continued monitoring of his or her behavior – then you will not need to investigate further. On the other hand, if you feel concerned, you will do whatever is necessary to find out what is going on.
What are the possible causes for concern? They include any change in a child’s behavior, school grades, hygiene, friends or sleeping and eating habits. We’re not talking about a typical teenager’s late hours. But late hours combined with irritability, withdrawal and poor performance may indeed be a red flag for trouble.
Recommendations
The best strategy is to be proactive. Discuss with your child what is private and what is not. Go over your rules and expectations. In addition, clearly state that you will periodically drop in on their blog or cell phone log and be in touch with their teachers.
Go into your teenager’s room periodically - being careful not to trip over anything on the floor – and look around. You may see something that is left around by accident. Then don’t get into a battle about cleanliness. We’re discussing far more important values than a spotless room.
Likewise, get to know your children’s interests and friends, as well as their friends’ parents. Ask them who they’re chatting with on the telephone or online and set appropriate limits. You might want to prohibit chat rooms and IMing (Instant Messaging), and to generally limit the amount of online usage.
Many parents keep the children’s computer in a common room, not a child’s bedroom. This strategy facilitates hands-on supervision of their computer usage. These days it is fairly easy to check out their web sites, and don’t hesitate to do so.
In fact, Congress passed the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) in 2000. This law requires businesses to secure parental consent before collecting personal information from pre-teens (below the age of 13 years). It allows parents to review the data and requires businesses to obtain parental permission before disclosing any information about their child.
So, at least until the age of 13, some parental rights are protected by law.
However, even within the law, there is a very important caveat: Remember not to over-control and over-manage your child. You want all of your children to be able to manage their own lives, and the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are the training ground for doing so.
Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes they will close down (teenagers are notoriously moody and private) but you will be there to observe, question and intervene.
Finally, seek professional help if you notice an unhealthy pattern of teenage behavior and you feel helpless or uncertain what to do. Taking action now could prevent much more serious problems later.
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