In this issue:
Editor’s Note:
The first two editions of MyFamilyCoachTM Newsletter described an important segment of Women’s Issues, namely, Moods: Their Causes and How to Improve Them. This Newsletter, in contrast, focuses on a topic related to Parent Coaching. Future editions of the Newsletter will discuss a variety of topics related to Women’s Issues, Interpersonal Communication Skills, or Parent Coaching. Please feel free to email drmona@myfamilycoach.com to request any topics that you would like addressed in MyFamilyCoachTM Newsletter.
EATING WITH CHILDREN: PART 1
Introduction: What’s for Supper?
Long before your child comes home and asks, “What’s for supper?” you’ve already asked yourself that question. You might have had an idea or two, but then you started to think: ‘She doesn’t like _____,’ ‘He won’t taste anything green/red/fresh,’ and ‘I’m on a diet.’ Then you ask yourself again, “What should I make for supper?”
Why has food preparation become so complicated? As a result of the plethora of nutritional information available, we are more careful than ever to prepare a properly balanced meal. However, we enter a virtual minefield when we try to match nutritional standards with children’s preferences.
Nutritional information is like a glass of wine; it is not to be taken and swallowed in one shot, but smelled, tasted and experienced. If you like what you’ve learned and it makes sense to you, then make it part of your family culture. Try different foods on different nights and, above all, make your meals simple. Don’t over-invest in time, cost or emotional energy. Then you won’t resent it when one or more of your children reject that night’s menu.
Appetizer: Getting Your Children to the Table
You: “Supper’s ready!”
Child #1: “I’m not hungry.”
#2: “I’ll be there soon.”
#3: (No response)
This is the beginning of a potential battle between a parent and one or more children. It seems to be about supper but, in fact, it’s a voice recognition test. Your children hear your voice, recognize the signal, and respond negatively or not at all. You may try requesting again, with the same results, until you get fed up and finally force them to come. If this pattern continues, they will learn to wait until you reach your frustration level before they comply.
The way to resolve this conflict is to regularly follow up your words with actions. This means taking the time to:
1. Go to wherever your children are and make sure you have their attention. This includes not just auditory attention, such as, “Yes, Mom, I hear you,” but also visual attention – full eye contact. If they’re on the computer or reading a book, wait until they look at you. Then deliver your message. Don’t walk away but wait for them to follow you or do whatever you’ve asked. Patience in this case, as in many others, is a virtue.
2. Use your physical presence for positive interactions as well. For example, go to your child to give a compliment, deliver a message, or show them a new purchase. Try to avoid long-distance communication within the confines of your home. By taking the time to walk over to your child you highlight the significance of your words and establish a relationship through your actions as well as your voice.
3. Build trust. In the same way that you want your children to do what they say they’re going to do (for example, coming after a brief time when they respond, “I’ll be there soon.”), be careful to do what you say you’re going to do. If you promise to get off the phone in a minute, do it; if you say you’ll pick them up at a certain time, be there on time. In that way, you demonstrate the importance of your speech and the reliability of your actions.
4. Develop good “listening skills.” This means looking at your children when they talk to you, and showing interest by asking questions or by commenting appropriately. From the youngest to the oldest, our children want and cherish our attention. Listening to your children will encourage them to reciprocate and listen to you.
5. Establish a routine. Although supper does not need to be at the same time every night, it is very helpful when it has a consistent place in your children’s evening schedule. That way, they will expect your summons to the table and will be more likely to cooperate.
Salad: How to Satisfy Different Tastes
How does one keep supper simple when every member of the family wants something different? Think of supper as a salad. They may not like every ingredient in the salad but, more often than not, they will like something in it and be willing to eat part of it. After you offer your version of a dinner “salad”, think about the following:
- Lower your own anxiety about food. Physicians are unanimous in their opinion that children eat when they are hungry. Forcing children to eat or, conversely, prohibiting them from eating certain foods, teaches them to ignore their own internal sensations. They may end up hating the healthy foods and craving the forbidden ones, setting the stage for future eating problems.
- Decide who’s in charge of the kitchen. If you are the appointed cook then you get the privilege of choosing the menu. However, your children may enjoy helping you prepare the meal and, in that way, feel that they have participated in the choice. In fact, the more fully they participate, the less likely it is that they will refuse to eat the food that’s being served.
- Allow children to choose what they want to eat, as long as it’s on the table. Once they start hunting in the refrigerator, they belittle the importance of the meal and focus instead on alternatives. In the end, if someone doesn’t want to eat anything that’s being served, then they are probably not hungry.
All of this works if both parents follow the same guidelines. If one or the other, however, follows a special diet or rejects what is offered, the children are likely to follow suit. Discuss your preferences in private. If something special has to be given to one person, because of a food allergy or illness requiring a particular diet, allow others to partake of it as well. Alternatively, that person might be better off eating at a different time. The goal is to have everyone share the family meal.
NEXT ISSUE: Entrée and Dessert |
