In this issue:
- Recap
- Eating with Children, Part II:
- Entrée: Enjoying the Meal with the Family
- Dessert: To Bribe or Not to Bribe
- Future Issues
Recap
The previous issue (January ’05) of the MyFamilyCoach Newsletter addressed Part I of a two-part series entitled, “Eating with Children.” Part I covered the following topics associated with the beginning of a meal:
Introduction: What’s for supper?
Appetizer: Getting the Children to the Table
Salad: How to Satisfy Different Tastes
In this issue, long overdue, we follow with Part II, the rest of the meal.
Entree: Enjoying the Meal with the Family
In the January issue, we discussed the appetizer and salad, which are meant to whet the appetite. We are now ready for the main part of the meal, the entrée. We really want our families to enjoy the entrée while, at the same time, provide them with nutritious food. So what can go wrong? A lot. Some children may refuse to eat, while others may choose only the starches. They might decline the protein and vegetables, both of which we’re told are essential to their diet, and instead want pasta every night. In addition, children may have special needs that have to be taken into account. Many children, for example, have specific food allergies or are overweight.1 How do we satisfy everyone’s needs and still enjoy the meal?
First of all, it is important for us to examine our own feelings about food. Do we use food as a means of satisfying our emotional needs; for example, to calm down, feel nurtured, or feel in control? Do we serve the food begrudgingly, resentful of the time it takes to prepare and clean up from it? Conversely, do we invest so much of ourselves into its preparation that a child’s rejection of even a minor part of the meal upsets us?
Secondly, what model of eating do we present? Do we sit and converse during the meal, or eat on the run? How many times do we answer the phone during the meal? Most of us don’t realize that the ringing of the phone is not equivalent to an alarm bell and that the phone can usually be ignored.
In contrast to common wisdom, nutritional benefits are not the most important part of the entrée. People’s nutritional needs are generally met over the course of the day and children, in particular, can satisfy their needs across several days without impairing their health. Rather, the psychological aspects of the dinner meal are its true “nutrients.” Many studies indicate that “kids who eat dinner with their families regularly are better students, healthier people and less likely to smoke, drink or use drugs than those who don’t.”2
Given the importance of the family meal, it is crucial to create an atmosphere that will motivate children to want to be present at the dinner table and not avoid it. Here are some strategies:
1. Prioritize dinner time and, as much as possible, do not allow other commitments to interfere. This means that soccer practice, tutoring or dance class should not be scheduled during dinnertime. If necessary, have one dinner for the younger members of your family and another one for the older ones. This may sound cumbersome but actually works quite well for both sets, with much less snacking and greater flexibility for different age groups.
2. Let the extended members of the family know that you will not answer the phone during dinner. Alternatively, if you do answer the phone, ask the caller if you can speak later because you’re eating dinner with the family. The response will usually be positive, and your children will hear the message clearly: You value their company.
3. Train yourself to omit saying anything during the meal that does not induce a positive atmosphere; including reproaches, reminders of forgotten tasks or homework assignments, and comments on etiquette or manners. Instead gear the discussion to the day’s events and encourage (but do not compel) your children’s comments. Share your own day and express interest in your children’s activities, irrespective of their ages.
4. Deal immediately with behavior problems that cannot be ignored, such as spitting, kicking, or throwing food. If necessary, ask the child who misbehaves in this fashion to leave the table.
5. On the other hand, ignore all verbal comments that might escalate into an argument. Learn from your children’s best teachers and do not allow unimportant distractions to interfere with the atmosphere of your home.
6. Finally, dinnertime is not the time to deal with sibling rivalry or marital tensions; save these and other problems for a more appropriate setting. View your kitchen as a public arena where one treats others with courtesy and respect.
Dessert: To Bribe or not to Bribe
Dessert can be the highlight of the meal or its downfall, as far as children (and calories) are concerned. When our children anticipate a delicious dessert and it is not served, either as a punishment or because of a dietary restriction, they can react as if they are traumatized:
- “You promised!”
- “I don’t care about allergies.”
- “Just this once, please?”
- “I’ll listen better next time, I promise!”
- “It’s not fair!”
A child’s disappointment will be especially intense if a sibling gets dessert but he or she does not. Does this mean that a child should get dessert no matter what was left uneaten during the main part of the meal? Conversely, should we bribe a child to eat the entrée by promising him or her a tasty dessert?
The answer is a categorical no. Dessert should not be used as a reward for eating behavior, either in terms of what was consumed or how it was consumed. If you serve dessert as a regular part of your daily meal, don’t withhold it from one child and give it to another. In general, you should separate meals from any other reward system that you have in place. Thus, if you choose to use candy or cookies as a reward, serve it at a different time.
Furthermore, while you should put yourself in charge of what you serve, do not demand that the food be eaten. Do not compel or bribe a child to eat. If you find that your child is not hungry at dinnertime, examine your evening schedule: Did you serve a snack before dinner? Did you serve dinner too late or did you allow it to drag on too long? The problems that arise during dinner often occur because of our own anxiety that children not leave the table hungry.
In sum, think about the messages that you send to your families together with the food that you serve.
1. Jane Brody reports in the April 5th edition of the NY Times that 15 percent of American children ages 6 and older are overweight and another 15 percent are headed in that direction. http:///www.nytimes.com/2005/04/05/health/05brod.html?oref=login.
2. “Family Matters” by Hilary Stout, Wall Street Journal, Thursday, November 11, 2004, p. D8.
Future Issues
Domestic Sports
Midlife Journeys
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