In this issue:
- Siblings Are Forever: Strategies to Minimize Rivalry
Introduction
Sibling rivalry occurs in every family and at every age. It is normal; it is typical of any family that has more than one child. We can try to ameliorate it, but we cannot eradicate it. It may not always be evident but, to a greater or lesser degree, it’s there.
The sibling relationship provides immediate as well as long-term benefits. Siblings are each other’s companions, playmates and confidantes. As they grow older and no longer live together, they remain sounding boards for one another and resources for information, advice, and even protection. Siblings often become best friends. So then why do they fight so much?
Causes of Sibling Rivalry
The first and primary cause of rivalry is that the rival exists. Sometimes a child may demand, “Take it back to the hospital!” More often, however, an older sibling will not act aggressively but will appear loving and attentive to the newborn. In that instance, the jealousy may emerge as an extra neediness for the mother.The proverbial piece of pie has suddenly become smaller and an older sibling experiences an insecurity that didn’t exist before the baby’s birth. Whether as an indirect result of the mother’s postpartum fatigue or the direct outcome of attention given to the newborn, the sibling senses a dramatic change in the family structure.
Sibling rivalry is affected in both positive and negative ways by each child’s age, gender, and position in the family. For example, the oldest child may enjoy staying up late, but ask, "Why do I have to do homework and the others get to play?" Similarly, a child in the middle may benefit from both attention from the older sibling and the ability to dominate the younger one, yet be envious if either sibling receives more consideration or privileges than him.
When children feel insecure in their relationship with parents, their rivalry with each other adds fuel to the fire. Known as “triangle dynamics,” the targeted parent is drawn into the conflict between the children. A child in that moment is testing the parents to see their reactions: Who will they side with? Who’s the favorite? Who wins this battle? Attention from parents is the primary force driving sibling rivalry. The issues between the children more often than not would dissipate if the parents were not there to complete the triangle. Instead their interactions with each other could potentially teach them about interpersonal relations. They can learn the “cause and effect” rules of social interactions: What will my sister do if I tickle her? What happens if I pull her hair or tease her? When and how does she pay attention to me?
Another aspect of the indirect influence of parents is the “pecking order” among the children. The first child in the family is often the buffer between the parents and the rest of the children. The first child experiences first-hand any emotional turmoil in the house, while the second child is shielded by the first. The latter does not feel the tension nor endures the discipline and the expectation to behave because “you’re older.” The younger child can even use the older one as an excuse to have some mischief! On the other hand, the first child – who can be very angry at the parents – knows it’s not safe to upset the parents. So who’s the first child going to attack? The next one down. This is a basic dynamic in all groups; the stronger one, under pressure, will harass the weaker one. Note that the relationship between the siblings may be fine and a minute later they’ll hug each other. But for the moment the downward dynamic takes over.
Strategies to Enhance Sibling Relations
As indicated above, the most important determinant of the quality of sibling relations is parental treatment of the children.
As much as possible, ignore minor squabbles. Leave the room if necessary. Act casual, as if the disagreement going on is okay (because it is). Don’t jump to ascertain who is right and who is wrong; doing that will only confirm that fighting is the best way for them to get your attention and encourage a new fight ten minutes after you settle the old one.
Children gain tremendously when parents refuse to get excited about their fights. Note that the home is the laboratory for life. In this real-life laboratory, children are learning how to get along with others outside of the family. As a matter of fact, much of the crying or shouting you hear during fights is what I would call “active learning.” Siblings test out behaviors they’d be afraid to test on outsiders because at home they don’t fear losing the relationship. A brother or sister becomes an unwitting partner in this learning process.
Siblings who are allowed to work things out for themselves learn to deal with conflict in a safe setting. Their noisy battles are really the means by which they discover the necessary arts of negotiation, cooperation, and compromise. They develop bargaining and verbal persuasion skills. This takes constant practice and much trial and error, which is why growing up with siblings is such an important learning experience.
In addition, your family has certain ground rules for living with each other, just as the wider society has a rule of law. What are your rules? Do you hit or criticize your children? Then that behavior is allowed within the family and your children can be expected - and cannot be faulted - for imitating you. So establish and practice a code of behavior that you would like to see in your children. For example, do not engage in name-calling or hitting; avoid anger and emotionality; practice assertion rather than aggression. Model the behavior that you want to see, because “children learn what they live.”
Give each child individual attention. It is the quality and consistency of this attention that’s important, not the quantity of it. Ten minutes of reading together every night alone, without disturbance from a sibling, is more effective than an outing with a parent every two weeks (although that, too, is a special treat). Teach your children that there is plenty of love to go around, and that it grows, not diminishes, with each child.
Respect each child’s need for privacy, space and freedom from spending all of one’s time with a sibling. Older children need permission to be with their friends without being responsible for a younger sibling and without the annoyance of a younger child’s interruptions. The parent should also protect the older one’s property. Not everything needs to be shared.
Younger siblings sometimes appear to be “enslaved” by older ones. Parents need not worry about the inequity of this arrangement. Remember that the children have worked out a relationship that works for both of them; the older one gets respect, the younger one receives attention.
Ironically, when parents try to enforce a “fair” arrangement between siblings, the rivalry gets worse, not better. The wisdom of allowing children to establish their own relations reminds me of the tale of the ice cream sandwich.
Two boys were sitting at the kitchen table arguing over an ice cream sandwich. The father, fed up with the screaming from the next room, strides in, quickly slices the ice cream sandwich in half and leaves. The boys, rather than being satisfied, now cry even louder. The father hears the wails: “But I wanted the crust and he wanted the inside!
A parent’s wisdom can go only so far.
Above all, become a good listener. Accept the appropriate expression of feelings. Don’t dismiss your children’s thoughts or suppress their anger. It is normal to feel angry at times. It’s what we do with our anger that counts. We are responsible for our words and our actions, and these in turn lead to consequences.
All feelings are ok; all actions are not. When we say, “How can you say that about your own brother?” and other similar comments, we are discouraging our child from expressing his feelings to us verbally. Unfortunately, as soon as we turn our backs, those feelings will emerge in full force, perhaps in some other, less desirable, way.
When Siblings Grow Up
Sometimes mothers of adult children fear that their children will lose touch with each other, and the family will fall apart. They may strive to keep the connections among their children strong by speaking about one child to another. However, a parent should never confide in one child about another, for the good or the bad, no matter how old or young her “children” are. This kind of behavior causes miscommunication in families and can lead to problems, even rifts, among the siblings.
When a mother respects her adult child’s confidence, whether it is specifically requested by the child or not, the parent demonstrates that each child can confide in her without being concerned that a sibling will learn about the news prematurely or without permission. The way that a parent relates to each one of her adult children is the way that they will learn to relate to each other, with either compassion or competition.
Indeed, competition can occur in whatever domain adult siblings share, whether that is parenting, scholastic achievement, or the acquisition of worldly goods. The sibling connection is closest and the level of rivalry the lowest when adult siblings are not forced to compare themselves with one another, but are allowed the freedom to relate to each other as mature, separate adults.
Thus the sibling relationship can change over time. My sister and I no longer fight over clothes. Instead we discuss our children and are able to empathize with each other’s feelings. Now that we have developed our own individual identities, we are paradoxically closer to each other. We don’t share a room; in its place we share our lives.
Conclusion
In the beginning, siblings learn how to live with each other under the same roof or in the same room. With G-d's help and tactful parenting, we hope that they will learn to love and respect each other as well. Their relationship is very important.
Siblings spend more time with each other across the life span than with anyone else in the family. Indeed, siblings may coexist for sixty to eighty years. They share a common history and have irreplaceable memories that no one else in the world shares. “Do you remember the time when…?” is a question that one sibling can ask another and elicit a knowing, warm laugh.
Since the sibling relationship is “forever,” you should consider the work that you put into it as a long-term investment in your children’s future. Following these tips will not only add to the peace and harmony in your home when your children are young, but will also give your children much joy after they are out of your house. |
