How to Co-Parent When There is Disagreement

In an ideal world, parenting would be straightforward: we would agree with our partner on every important issue and throw ourselves into rearing our children in a coherent, harmonious way that aligns with our shared values. Simple!

Sadly, that’s sometimes not the reality. We are all individuals and we each bring different experiences, attitudes and beliefs to our relationships. That’s what makes life interesting. However, when these differences spill over into how we parent, problems can quickly arise.

For example, it’s not uncommon for one parent to be more liberal than the other. While a more authoritarian parent might be inflexible when it comes to household rules and boundaries, their more easy-going partner might take a more laid-back approach. It’s impossible to see eye-to-eye on everything.

Disagreements are part of life; how we deal with them as parents and carers, however, is what matters most.

Our own upbringing as a blueprint

We have all, in one way or another, been parented by someone in our past and we are all, to a greater or lesser degree, products of our upbringing. Through a blend of nature and nurture, we tend to repeat the parenting style to which we were exposed, albeit on a subconscious level.

Some of us were raised in nurturing, caring homes where we were able to form strong, secure attachments with our caregivers. They were able to regulate themselves, and as a result, were emotionally available to help us navigate our own feelings. They listened to us and validated our emotions. Our family units were built on consistency, respect and fairness, and when we made mistakes, we were given the grace to reflect and learn from them.

Conversely, some of us were brought up in more hostile environments, where conflict and chaos ruled. Perhaps we didn’t have a voice and our feelings were undermined and dismissed by adults who couldn’t regulate their own emotions effectively. Maybe we were teased or bullied by our caregivers, and as a result, feel a great deal of shame and anxiety. Perhaps we were punished and admonished for the slightest misdemeanour and were denied the chance to learn and develop.

These are two extremes of the parenting spectrum and for many of us, our experience lies somewhere in between. However, it illustrates the way in which our approaches to parenting can differ quite dramatically, depending on our own experience and what was modelled to us in our younger years.

Effect of disagreements on our children

Children thrive on consistency and certainty. Parents working in unison helps them feel safe and secure, and enables strong bonds to be built on trust. Witnessing disharmony or disagreement can leave children feeling anxious, unsettled and ‘stuck in the middle’.