Can Giving Children More Control Help with Behaviour?

Parenting can sometimes feel like a bit of a battleground, with stand-offs about what your child eats, drinks, watches, says and does.

Ongoing battles for control can leave you feeling exasperated and exhausted. You can begin to question your parenting ability and ask yourself, Why don’t they just do as I say? After all, you’ve set clear boundaries but your child refuses to comply.

The good news is that, by handing over more control, you can reduce the likelihood of conflict and enjoy a better relationship with your child.

The balance of control

Establishing rules, routines and boundaries is an essential part of creating a happy, harmonious home. They add structure to the day and, for the most part, make children feel safe and secure. Children – like all of us – thrive when they know what to expect.

But sometimes, if our boundaries are too rigid and we don’t allow any wiggle room at all, this can spark strong reactions in our children, regardless of their age.

None of us likes being told what to do. We all want to have a voice; to be heard; to know that our opinion matters. We all want an element of control in how we lead our lives.

So, the downside of well-established, well-intended parameters and expectations is that, to our children, these can sometimes feel overly restrictive. Even very young children resist when being told what to do and by the time they are teenagers, they are increasingly influenced by what their friends are up to, which can add to feelings of conflict.

Feelings of powerlessness or lack of control over decisions that affect them can quickly lead to a build-up of resentment and hostility, resulting in defiance and angry outbursts.

So, what’s the answer? How do we strike a balance between giving our children more choice and encouraging them to share their opinions, while at the same time maintaining order and preserving important boundaries?